Sexology 101

Sex Isn’t Good All the Time?

Sex in a new relationship is exciting, fun, and nerve-wracking all at the same time. It’s impossible not to get into that “can’t keep your hands to off each other” phase in a new sexual relationship.

Sex in a long-term relationship is just as wonderful, but it’s a little different. Instead of constant sexual pull, it can start to feel a little comfortable. Sometimes this is good if the comfort helps you open up to your partner more. Sometimes, though, it can start to feel a little boring over time.

Here are some reasons why the sex in your relationship could be not great for a while and some things you can do about it.

  1. You could be comparing too much. Although it would be great for your relationship sex life to constantly be new and exciting, the reality is it just doesn’t stay that way over time. And the worst thing you can do is to compare the current situation with the past, even within your own relationship. In other words, it could be that the sex isn’t actually that bad, it’s just that you’re expecting it to be the exact same as it was before.
  2. You could be stressed. When one person or both in the couple are stressed, it will show up in your sex. To get past this, you need to focus on correcting the actual cause of the sexual shift, instead of just obsessing about it. Recognize the cause of the less-than-stellar romantic encounters, and work to relieve that stress — outside of the bedroom.
  3. You could not be prioritizing it enough. Many long-term couples believe that sex should be spontaneous and that if it’s not, something’s wrong. That couldn’t be further from the truth, as sometimes planning for it is really important, especially for some of the most common reasons, like stress.
  4. You could be tired. It’s a simple reason, but fatigue may impact a lot of why some couples feel like their sex life isn’t great all the time. Actual fatigue or exhaustion doesn’t make anyone feel in the mood, but we live such busy lives that it’s pretty common. Fatigue isn’t great for sex – people don’t perform well in general when they’re tired, so get more rest!
  5. You could be bored. It’s totally normal for long-term couples. The best thing to do in this situation is to pick something intentional to get out of your rut. You can try the simple fixes like hotel sex, sex toys, porn, go to sexy options from 50 Shades of Grey or you can make a sexual bucket list together and start checking off those goals.
  6. You could be lacking emotional connection. In a committed partnership, it’s important to feel the emotional connection to keep up with the physical connection, and vice versa. If one or both of feels disconnected emotionally, there’s a good chance your sex life will suffer. Spending a lot of intentional time reconnecting will help your sex life get back to where you want it to be.
  7. It could mean nothing at all. Long-term couples just happen to experience ups and downs, and it is totally natural and normal. Couples who have been together for a while experience ebbs and flows of their sexual experiences together. Even couples who would identify their sex life as overall amazing have dud experiences.

If you are in one of these phases, and you’ve made sure everything else is good with your relationship, rest assured that you’ll bounce back and will soon be jumping passionately into bed with your partner again.



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