If you’re reading this right now, you’ve probably had a moment when you were hooking up with a partner and thought how great it would be if he or she would be a little rougher. But it can feel strange to ask someone that — not to mention it can seem legitimately scary to ask someone to be a little rougher with you.
But just because it seems scary and weird doesn’t make it impossible to do.
Asking for rougher sex really just boils down to having a discussion with your partner. It’s not as simple as just asking them to be rougher because that could mean 40 different things and odds are, you’ll only want it to mean a very specific few things.
Here’s how to do that.
- Tell your partner precisely what you want. I can’t stress enough the importance of having a pre-sex conversation about your own limits and making sure that your partner understands them completely. So when you tell your partner that you want to have your wrists tied above your head during sex, get out the tie and tell your partner when it’s tight enough but not too tight and then get into the position you want.
- BYOP (Bring your own props). If you want to be blindfolded – if it’s just a t-shirt or a scarf – have it by the bed so when you ask and partner agrees, you can go for it. (And back to the Fifty Shades thing, if you’re at his place, a tie makes a real nice blindfold or wrist binder.)
- If you don’t know where to start, hair-pulling, spanking, wrist-tying, and blindfolding are popular options. Ask your partner to tie your wrists above your head and do you missionary style. Or tie something soft over your eyes and then go down on you. Or pull your hair back during doggy style. Or spank you as foreplay. These are all very hot options.
- Don’t be afraid to say “No” when your partner has gone too far. If once you get into it you realize that it’s not for you, you need to feel comfortable asking your partner to back off. Do not engage in even the slightest amount of rough sex play if you feel like you can’t communicate your needs with your partner.
- Don’t be afraid to ask for more if it’s not rough enough. Your partner is probably going to start pretty light when you ask to be rougher. So if you’re not getting what you want, let your partner know that he or she can actually do it a little bit harder because they have no way of knowing.
- You’ll know when it’s right because you’ll probably get off crazy fast. After 5 minutes of doggy style with too-soft spanks, your partner will finally give you a perfect, sharp spank and you’ll remember why you wanted to try this in the first place. Once you orgasm, try it again and this time your partner will know exactly what gets you hot.
- Be prepared to spank your partner right back. By suggesting that you get rougher in bed, you’re not just inviting your partner to spank you – you’re opening up the sexual conversation. This is honestly the best thing you’ll ever do for your sex life, but it can also be kind of intimidating. Be ready to reciprocate.
- Remember that there is not a kinky sex tutor who will be grading you on your kinky sex performance. Don’t be too concerned about doing things “the right way” because you’ll find it as you go. It may not be perfect but if nothing else, it’s a great way to work on your ability to ask for what you want.
To conclude: You’re never going to get that crazy sex-all-over-the-place complete with hair pulling and ass slapping unless you specifically ask. So get out there and speak your mind!