Consent is essential in the bedroom; in fact, it’s beyond a non-negotiable. And while a lot of lovers understand that when it comes to consenting to having sex in the first place, there are a lot of things that you need to ask before doing in bed.
That doesn’t mean that between every new position you’d like to explore that you’re going to stop and discuss it. And asking doesn’t always need to be vocal – there can be nonverbal or verbal signs. But in general there should be a need to be a clear affirmative that your partner wants to participate.
So no matter how you choose to ask for and show consent, there needs to be some kind of communication. Sometimes, it’s just going to be eye contact, other times it’s going to be a whispered suggestion, and sometimes it might just be a conversation you have before you even get in the bedroom about what you’re going to try. But for a lot of things, especially if one partner is going to feel particularly vulnerable, the asking has to happen.
Here are some things you should always ask before doing in bed.
Butt Play: Although anal play can be great, not everyone is into it. And it can be painful if done without proper prep, so you need to ask and have a game plan. A good way to ease in is to start by playing with perimeter, rather than darting inside. Check in with eye contact and nonverbal cues or ask. Whatever you do, just don’t go right for it.
BDSM: Everyone’s definition of BDSM is different. But if you’re trying it for the first time, you need to talk about it. And even if you’re a pro at it, you need to set the ground rules. On any level novice or more, it’s important to ask for a safe word. Make sure to set the boundaries beforehand.
Anything Very New: If you’ve been having sex for a long time with the same partner, you may feel really comfortable. That’s great, but that also means that your partner may be really surprised if you try anything really far out of your comfort zone. Wanting to try a new position or location is great, but if you’re really changing things up make sure your partner is on board.
Fantasy Play: Not everyone is going to be up for everything, so start by asking about your partner’s fantasies outside of sex rather than jumping in. If you just jump into something it may be disorientating or make them uncomfortable. Be sure to move slowly.
Group Sex: You can’t just invite someone else to the party. Never put someone on the spot when they might be uncomfortable.
Not Using Birth Control: Whether it’s a guy taking off a condom during sex or just assuming that his partner is on “the pill” when she’s not, the choice to not use birth control should be a conversation between the both of you. There are big consequences to not using birth control — pregnancy and STIs to name a few— so if you’re choosing not to use it, you must make sure your partner is informed.
Introducing Toys: Sex toys can be amazing in the bedroom for both gay and straight couples. But the first time you use them can be difficult, especially if one partner is new to them or feels like using toys implies they’re not enough in the bedroom. Be sure to have a conversation beforehand about how much you enjoy the sex and you’re just looking to mix things up and add to it, rather than not being satisfied. It’ll save some emotional stress and you’ll still get an amazing addition to your sex life.
So have the conversation – ask – and then visit us at Tampa’s premier adult store.