Perhaps your go-to positions have started feeling stale. Maybe you had a baby and after being mom all day, watching television sounds far more appealing than the effort that goes into sex. Or maybe you want to try sex toys, but your partner prefers sticking to the basics. Does this mean your relationship is doomed to a lifetime of below average sex? Absolutely not!
Here are the most common challenges couples face in the bedroom and how to overcome the bumps in the road.
#1: “We’re too tired to have sex.”
There may be times when you really are too emotionally or physically drained to have sex, like after a job loss or cross-country move. But for most people, exhaustion is often a cover up for laziness. To tackle dry spells, discuss how often you’d each like to have sex. Once you agree on frequency, make a non-negotiable promise to stick to the schedule, whether it’s once a day or twice a week.
#2: “I want to try sex toys, but my partner isn’t interested.”
While toys can certainly spice things up, bringing something tangible into the bedroom can make some people feel like their sex skills are below average. Gently tell your partner exactly what you’d like to try and be crystal clear that you are completely satisfied with him or her as your partner. You can offer to exchange the favor by trying something your partner would enjoy, too.
#3: “We have sex regularly, but I don’t feel emotionally connected.”
While having sex is a necessary part of a healthy relationship, having sex for sex’s sake can deplete that emotional connection that comes from such a private and personal act. Fortunately, there’s an easy way to nurture your emotional connection that doesn’t require pricey fixes: mindfulness. Couples should try looking into each other’s eyes during sex. That sounds pretty simple, sure, but you’d be surprised by how many couples don’t do this.
#4: “My partner hates oral sex.”
If you enjoy giving and receiving oral sex, but your partner doesn’t share your enthusiasm, it can be a tough road to navigate. Utilizing things that will enhance your pleasure while making oral sex more comfortable for your partner can help.
For yummier oral sex, try some flavored lubes, which will make your partner taste that much more delicious.
#5: “Our libidos are like night and day.”
If your partner always wants to have sex, while you’re more of a once-a-week kind of person, it may seem like an unfixable situation. But it’s absolutely possible to make it work. You can begin intimacy with willingness instead of desire. Spontaneous desire – that sudden, I-need-to-tear-off-your-clothes feeling often fades in long-term relationships and can be difficult to sync when two people have different libidos. But if you’re willing to follow your partner’s lead in the bedroom to see where it takes you—even when you’re not in the mood—you’ll likely want to have sex.
#6: “We had a baby, and our sex life tanked.”
Whether you’re welcoming baby number one or four, sex is one of the first things that gets sidelined. When you have a new person in your life that requires so much of your effort and focus, it leaves very little time to spend on habits that previously made you both feel sexy like working out or getting dressed up for date night.
While every couple is different, many will need a break after their baby is born before they think about sex again and that’s fine. To give your sex life a little nudge, hire a sitter, even if it’s just for a couple of hours. As new parents, alone time is important and allows you to focus on each other, whether you reconnect over dinner or decide to slip away to a hotel room for the afternoon.